Disquietude

This one is probably the hardest to write.

How do you describe anxiety to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like?

How do you explain the way your heart begins to race? The way your hands/armpits/feet begin to sweat? Or the way your brain runs in circles? That there is a pressure on your chest and suddenly you can’t breathe? The compulsive way you snap a hair tie against your wrist? The fidgeting fingers? The bouncing leg? The sudden onset claustrophobia? The paralysis of mind and body?

How do you explain the panic? The positivity that something terrible is going to happen? That maybe you’ll die? That you’re not crying because you’re sad or angry but because it’s the anxiety trying to escape?

Again, there are many kinds of anxiety, no two people are the same/have the same triggers/fear the same things.

I have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) which is described by Beyond Blue as feeling anxious and worried most of the time, not just in high stress situations. These worries can be big (job, health, money) or small (vacuuming the house).

I also have social phobia, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Beyond Blue give a pretty comprehensive list of situations and I fear all of them, specifically social interaction – even with my best friend sometimes.

And (joy of joys) I have a panic disorder. I explained above what a panic attack feels like for me, and let me tell you, I cannot think of anything worse. I’ve had panic attacks at work, in the supermarket, at home, at the gym. They can strike at any time, to the point where for quite some time I tried to avoid situations where a panic attack might eventuate. Case in point, I had a mild panic attack in class tonight.

I don’t have panic attacks as frequently as I used to and am better at calming myself down when one comes on. But sometimes I think this is worse, because I can be cruising through life relatively happily and then BAM! soul crushing panic attack.

I can date the GAD and Social Phobia to my childhood. I was always shy and introverted, and I guess my parents/teachers never thought anything more of it than that and so I never got help as a kid. But the panic attacks are a relatively more recent thing, the last 5 or so years.

I’m at the point with my anxiety that I realise I need help, because it’s not going away on its own.

Perhaps when I get the courage to go to the doctor about my depression we can discuss all of this too. I’m just so worried they’re going to try to put me on pills without trying anything else first.