Vertigo

For a really long time now I’ve even experiencing dizziness. Well, that’s what I’ve been calling it anyway.

After doing some googling (because we all know that the internet is always right) I think the term I’m looking for is actually vertigo. Further googling suggests that any myriad of things could be wrong – but deep down I know that it is a symptom of my current heightened depression and anxiety.

And so today I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment. I’m going in under the pretence of my vertigo and hay fever – and am secretly hoping that it will just all come out about the other stuff.

I can be such a coward sometimes – I want to get better but at the same time I don’t want to have to talk about it. I want people to be able to read my mind and tell me what I need, or tell me what I’m thinking so that I don’t have to try to express myself. Because I can’t. I seize up at the thought of any conversation – let alone one that centres around me.

At any rate (before I get too off track) – I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning and I hope that I get brave enough in the moment to tell him the real reason that I’m there. (Or maybe he’ll remember my passing remark from last time and he’ll bring it up).

I see it going one of two ways:

1. He tries to prescribe me pills, and I say no
2. He suggests I speak to someone and gives me the name of someone fabulous , and I say yes

I just want to be better. Having the problems in my head is one thing, having them manifest physically is another. It’s feeling more and more that I can’t hide it, and I am so scared that I’m actually going to lose it one day and everyone will know that I’m a little bit crazy.

I just want to be better.

Disquietude

This one is probably the hardest to write.

How do you describe anxiety to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like?

How do you explain the way your heart begins to race? The way your hands/armpits/feet begin to sweat? Or the way your brain runs in circles? That there is a pressure on your chest and suddenly you can’t breathe? The compulsive way you snap a hair tie against your wrist? The fidgeting fingers? The bouncing leg? The sudden onset claustrophobia? The paralysis of mind and body?

How do you explain the panic? The positivity that something terrible is going to happen? That maybe you’ll die? That you’re not crying because you’re sad or angry but because it’s the anxiety trying to escape?

Again, there are many kinds of anxiety, no two people are the same/have the same triggers/fear the same things.

I have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) which is described by Beyond Blue as feeling anxious and worried most of the time, not just in high stress situations. These worries can be big (job, health, money) or small (vacuuming the house).

I also have social phobia, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Beyond Blue give a pretty comprehensive list of situations and I fear all of them, specifically social interaction – even with my best friend sometimes.

And (joy of joys) I have a panic disorder. I explained above what a panic attack feels like for me, and let me tell you, I cannot think of anything worse. I’ve had panic attacks at work, in the supermarket, at home, at the gym. They can strike at any time, to the point where for quite some time I tried to avoid situations where a panic attack might eventuate. Case in point, I had a mild panic attack in class tonight.

I don’t have panic attacks as frequently as I used to and am better at calming myself down when one comes on. But sometimes I think this is worse, because I can be cruising through life relatively happily and then BAM! soul crushing panic attack.

I can date the GAD and Social Phobia to my childhood. I was always shy and introverted, and I guess my parents/teachers never thought anything more of it than that and so I never got help as a kid. But the panic attacks are a relatively more recent thing, the last 5 or so years.

I’m at the point with my anxiety that I realise I need help, because it’s not going away on its own.

Perhaps when I get the courage to go to the doctor about my depression we can discuss all of this too. I’m just so worried they’re going to try to put me on pills without trying anything else first.