It’s not a secret that I want to lose weight. I mean, I don’t openly talk about it with people (unless you count Tumblr), but it’s kind of assumed or known that it’s something I’m trying to do.
With that comes the need to curb my binging. This is something I’ve been (successfully) fighting for the last week or so. I’m also trying to curb my alcohol consumption for the same reason.
But nothing in life comes free does it?
These are things I typically do to quiet the negativity in my head. But now that I’m (mostly) not doing them the voices are louder and louder.
“You’re useless,” they cry.
“You’d be better off dead.”
And so on and so forth. And I cannot shut them up. I’ve fought hard yesterday and today to not binge, which is a success in itself, but it doesn’t stop the noise.
And that’s when I feel my brain drifting into more dangerous territory. Self-harm. I’ve never done it in the traditional way because food and/or booze was enough. But without those available right now, it’s all I can think about.
How easy it would be to cut myself. Just thinking about it sends a shiver of excitement through me. And that absolutely terrifies me. Because those thoughts and desires have always been there, I’ve just never done it.
I’m thinking more and more about death, but how at the same time I’m not ready for that yet. I’m fact, I know that I don’t want that. For now.
But hurting myself? Sure.
I’m driving more recklessly. I’m engaging in (what is for me) risk taking behaviour.
But this negativity is strangely juxtaposed with how calm and motivated (and almost content) I’ve been for the last few days. I’ve been getting stuff done (not the important things like study), I’ve been eating reasonably well and I’ve been sleeping enough.
I don’t know how to deal with this. And I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
I should stress that I don’t see myself acting on these thoughts anytime soon, I’m still trying to process them and figure them out.
But I am scared.